Don Inocencio Botijo Posted June 27, 2016 Share Posted June 27, 2016 (edited) I, Inocencio Botijo, Metropolitan Archbishop of Havana, wish to announce to all Catholic, Law abiding Captains, factions and nations, the celebration of a Grand Te Deum Mass to thank Our Lord for the glorious victories obtained by the Captains of His Catholic Majesty in the defence of Puerto Escondido and other ports on the south of Cuba. The Te Deum Mass will take place next Wednesday 29 of June (Saint Poul and Peter Apostles, Saints Casius, Emma and Siro), mid day at the Metropolitan Cathedral of Havana The King´s Navy, supported by countless Captains from the clans Armada Celitbera (CELTI), Real Armada Española (RAE), Stella Maris (SM), La Mano Muerta (LMM), Escuadra de Indias, (EI) and my own private Naval Military Order, the Santa Hermandad (SH), including some honourable Catholic French and even Pirate Captains, have faced daily attacks from the impious forces of the British Empire, and successfully defeated these attacks with the help of God every single time. These glorious victories have allowed our King and navy to consolidate its reconquest of the South of Cuba from the hands of miscreants, followers of the false cult established by the luscious so called "King" Henry, and other floating heretics, sodomites and delinquents. Our continuous control of Puerto Escondido has allowed us to expropriate a number of ships from overconfident and foolish British Captains that, in their infinite anglo saxon arrogance, had established outposts there. We found these ships of little use, badly built, filthy, smelly and ugly, and decided to give them the best use we could imagine. We gave most of the wood to the local poor, for cooking, and I have built a toothpick factory which employs in honest, hard working labour, hundreds of local indians. So do not bother coming back for your ships, since these floating bricks and sloops are no longer there. This will teach you what happens when you set foot on the holy lands of our Catholic King. But, coming back to the main purpose of the announcement. The Te Deum Mass will be accompanied by the melodic voices of the Little Sisters of the Holy Mojito, that will entertain all Spanish, French and Pirate Captains that have defended the South of Cuba at a reception in their monastery. I want to present some of these saintly creatures, that devote their lives to prayer, contemplative life, the production of delicious pastry and the care of their Metropolitan Archbishop, that is, I. Here are some of the Little Sisters: Sister Belinda, The best pastry maker of the Convent. Sister Amanda, in charge of the Kitchen Sister Lolita, a mystical one Sister Clara, my favourite for discipline. Sister Tita, one of the young ones Sister Tank, in charge of protection of the convent. Sister Rica Sister Obdulia, a feisty little one. Mother Theresa, the Abbess. Edited June 27, 2016 by Don Inocencio Botillo Removed images 6 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gooneybird Posted June 27, 2016 Share Posted June 27, 2016 (edited) Nice report! I enjoyed the humor Edited June 27, 2016 by Gooneybird 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Fuge Posted June 27, 2016 Share Posted June 27, 2016 My dear Don Inocencio Botijo, Impressed as I am at the prospect of your most high Mass to be attended by such a bevy of beauties *cough* rather I meant - a heavenly assemblage of angelic forms, I can't help but be sorely vexed by the striking family resemblance exhibited among them, in that, it is most suggestive of too close a conjugation in .... past associations. I blanche at the ugly word that rises up in my mind to describe such ungodly happenstances. Surely, your Grace can reassure the faithful (and those of us who have sadly fallen from the way) that he has at all times upheld that most sacred vow of celibacy? Your humble, but vey lapsed, servant, El Fuge. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Don Inocencio Botijo Posted June 27, 2016 Author Share Posted June 27, 2016 My dear Don Inocencio Botijo, Impressed as I am at the prospect of your most high Mass to be attended by such a bevy of beauties *cough* rather I meant - a heavenly assemblage of angelic forms, I can't help but be sorely vexed by the striking family resemblance exhibited among them, in that, it is most suggestive of too close a conjugation in .... past associations. I blanche at the ugly word that rises up in my mind to describe such ungodly happenstances. Surely, your Grace can reassure the faithful (and those of us who have sadly fallen from the way) that he has at all times upheld that most sacred vow of celibacy? Your humble, but vey lapsed, servant, El Fuge. My dear son. Of course they look alike. A life devoted to prayer, contemplation and service to their fellow Catholics, specially the Archibosphoric needs, ends up having an effect in their physical appearance. They behave like angels and in the end look like angels. As for the reassurances you require from me, I wonder how you dare ask something like this to a saint man like me. The sins of the flesh are abhorrent to me and to the Little sisters. I have explained in other posts that I have a little room in the convent where I discipline the little sisters personally to keep their lower instincts at bay. Of course, all the sisters enjoy the discipline sessions, and I carry them out following strictly the guidelines established by the Holy Inquisition. You are hereby excommunicated, you insolent sinner. Stay away from Havana or you may end up in the underground of the Episcopal palace where I convert the local indians to the one true faith. Ego dictum. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hethwill Posted June 27, 2016 Share Posted June 27, 2016 They behave like angels and in the end look like angels this. Wow... it it isn't that one of the sisters... damn I am hard with names.... that jumped from the convent walls and took a swim and ...er... boarded my ship...! 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lytse Pier Posted June 27, 2016 Share Posted June 27, 2016 Your Excellency, A most impressive announcement and I am sure that their voices will be a privilege to listen to. If you might be into music, I would gladly offer the musical services of my daughter (yes, she takes after her father in character and has his strong features, but the hair colour is distinctly from her mothers side). She performed a few days ago when a peace treaty was announced at the main square in Willemstad and left a crowd of over one thousand people speechless. I'm sure she will do the same with your crews in Havana! 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Don Inocencio Botijo Posted June 28, 2016 Author Share Posted June 28, 2016 Las patrullas son agotadoras. Padre, ¿dónde me inscribo para unos días de retiro espiritual?. Y necesito disciplina, hable vuesa merced con la hermana Clara. Hijo mío, las Hermanitas siempre están dispuestas para recibir y confortar a un bravo capitán Español. Mándele un mensaje a mi secretaria para concertar la fecha de su retiro espiritual. Que la paz sea contigo. Bendiciones. My son, the Little sisters are always willing to receive and comfort a brave Spanish Captain. Send a message to my secretary so she can arrange the date of your spiritual retreat. Peace be with you. Blessings 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Don Inocencio Botijo Posted June 28, 2016 Author Share Posted June 28, 2016 (edited) Wow... it it isn't that one of the sisters... damn I am hard with names.... that jumped from the convent walls and took a swim and ...er... boarded my ship...! My dear Captain Hethwill. Here you are again. I already confessed to you that Sister Lola and sister Bibiana were really a couple of British sodomites my inquisitors caught practising their abhorrent trade in Havana. We dressed them up as nuns and sent them to you, for fun. And boy, we had fun reading your posts. The fact that you have not yet spotted the difference, and continue to express your satisfaction casts doubt on your real tastes. You may continue to enjoy the two little brothers, but i suggest you check their prow, and not only their stern, to realize your deviant behaviour so far. Here are the pictures we took of "Sisters" Lola and Biviana, from the inquisition files. We have another little sister around here that I suspect sneaked into the convent for doubtful reasons. She is being interrogated in the basement of the episcopal palace, by my efficient Inquisition interrogators, using some new machinery we have built with the pieces of your stinky captured sloops from Puerto Escondido. You can have her too if you want, here she is. My blessings Edited June 28, 2016 by Don Inocencio Botillo 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hethwill Posted June 28, 2016 Share Posted June 28, 2016 It comes to my own attention, as humble as it is for I am not a keen eye for arts but rather the bones, the crossed ones, and the plump mass around them bonés, the flesh, the touchy touchy stuff, catch more than my eye and as such I must confide that the Office needs to hire a new artisan painter, seemingly the one under servisse doesn't seem to capture the feminine lines so well as he captured the efeminate ones... I wonder if it is a Genoese painter ? Maybe a Florentine ? Can't believe a Galician or a Aragonese painter would be of such disregard for the canvas and paint such ladies, as my painting attests, in abhorrent forms. Please disregard such paintings. It will lead you to...hmmm..wrong conclusions. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Don Inocencio Botijo Posted June 28, 2016 Author Share Posted June 28, 2016 (edited) Your Excellency, A most impressive announcement and I am sure that their voices will be a privilege to listen to. If you might be into music, I would gladly offer the musical services of my daughter (yes, she takes after her father in character and has his strong features, but the hair colour is distinctly from her mothers side). She performed a few days ago when a peace treaty was announced at the main square in Willemstad and left a crowd of over one thousand people speechless. I'm sure she will do the same with your crews in Havana! My dear son. I have no doubt that your daughter has many talents, including the gift of a finely tuned voice. And I am sure she delights the crowds of Willemstad with her songs and distinctive Dutch beauty. However, I´m afraid she is not up to the high standards of spirituality and purity I demand from all the Little sisters of the Holy Mojito. The recruitment process is arduous and demanding, including long personal interviews carried out by myself. These angels have to submit to the will of God, expressed through my mouth, and are regularly disciplined personally by me, to maintain their rigorous regimentation, and their spirits pure. Additionally, I suspect you and your daughter may be followers of the heretic sect split form the Holy Mother Church by the devilish workings of that Luther (may God send him to hell). There is no room for heretics in the Little Sisters convent, no matter how angelical her voice is. However. May you and your daughter be willing to abandon your deviation from the true faith, and agree to be baptised, purified, and undergo a light interrogation carried out by my inquisitors, we may be willing to contemplate your plea. Until then, you have my blessings, despite all. Edited June 28, 2016 by Don Inocencio Botillo 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Don Inocencio Botijo Posted June 28, 2016 Author Share Posted June 28, 2016 It comes to my own attention, as humble as it is for I am not a keen eye for arts but rather the bones, the crossed ones, and the plump mass around them bonés, the flesh, the touchy touchy stuff, catch more than my eye and as such I must confide that the Office needs to hire a new artisan painter, seemingly the one under servisse doesn't seem to capture the feminine lines so well as he captured the efeminate ones... I wonder if it is a Genoese painter ? Maybe a Florentine ? Can't believe a Galician or a Aragonese painter would be of such disregard for the canvas. Please disregard such paintings. It will lead you to...hmmm..wrong conclusions. Dear Captain. I am happy you appreciate the workings of our master portrait painter. He is a local indian thar, as a child, I took under my protection when I arrived to the Indies, and soon showed an exquisite talent for the graphic arts. He was sent to Sevilla to study with the best master painters, and even visited the great Velaquez in Court, who made very appreciative and commendatory comments to the King himself. He has truly expressed in these paintings all the putrefaction and evilness of the deviant life of these two poor souls I sent you. I wish My painter had a chance of sketch you after a couple of days in the dungeons of the Episcopal Palace, when my Santa Hermandad Captains capture you in one of your fruitless, sterile raids on Cuban shores. Until then, I will have to live with the satisfaction that you feel happy and comforted by the two little brothers, Lola and Bibiana, HAHAHAHA!!!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hethwill Posted June 28, 2016 Share Posted June 28, 2016 Seems I must pay a visit then. Now what to wear...hmmm...not a noose that's for sure... 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Don Inocencio Botijo Posted June 28, 2016 Author Share Posted June 28, 2016 (edited) Seems I must pay a visit then. Now what to wear...hmmm...not a noose that's for sure... Dear Captain You are welcome any time, just tell us in advance of your arrival, so we can prepare a warm welcome. A nice pyre to purify a pirate like you, fed by the rotten wood of the pitiful British ships we captured at Puerto Escondido will be an excellent culmination to our Te Deum Mass. God be with you. Edited June 28, 2016 by Don Inocencio Botillo Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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